Chasing Purpose

When you get excited about life's possibilities, and then a giant jungle vine swings right into your head

Stand Up, Fall Down… Repeat.

When I was younger, I got the usual question that so many of us get: “What are you going to be when you grow up?”

That always seemed like a game, so I’d make stuff up like, “A ballerina!” “A veterinarian!” “A baseball player!” Basically, as soon as I learned what somebody could be when they “grew up” I’d say I wanted to be that. At age 9, I learned about etymology and started telling my parents that I’d like to become an etymologist when I got older. Yeah, you can imagine the looks I got from them…

But then in high school the question got a little more serious because it was anticipated and expected that I would go to college right after I graduated. By senior year, my peers and their parents, my teachers and the adults at church all wanted to know where I was going to go to college and what was I going to major in.

So, without any life experience whatsoever, I told them the grandest thing I could. “I’m going into international economics.” HA! So I did what I said, and boy, was the joke on me. I chose to withdraw from Economics 101 halfway through my first semester because it wasn’t my jam (among other reasons).

After three years of college, I dropped out of school with a lot of credits and without much focus in anything. Because getting a college degree was so hammered into my consciousness as a must, about a year later I attempted to get back into school. For the next few years, I stumbled around with randomly declared majors: a semester here, a semester there, all at different universities in different states. I was really wandering. Finally, I got some sweet luck with circumstances, and was able to stay the course at one university; I obtained my bachelor’s degree 11 years after I first stepped foot into higher education.

And it was still a huge “CRASH! BOOM! FIZZLE…fizzle…fizzle…fiz…” after I graduated college. I got that almighty degree and I had zero plans for it. My degree was in a foreign language, and I had no applicability for it in the “real world”…just a simple love for the language itself. I was really intelligent but my feet weren’t on the ground. I just expected to fly, fly, fly! Even at age 29… supposedly I was an adult at that time, but (I felt) with nothing to offer the world.

I was really spinning out on finding my purpose. I ended up working administrative office jobs that were soul-crushing. (Ego-crushing was more like it.)

My impression was that the only way to “be somebody” in the world was to have an incredible career, and so far I was a nonstarter in all of my attempts. In my early 30s, tired of trying to have a normal job, I aspired at starting my own business creating fine art, and as you can guess given my previous patterns—and the cutthroat nature of “the art world,” if you know anything about how tough that is—it didn’t get much traction.

The beautiful statement from Joseph Campbell, “follow your bliss” really captivated me. And I wondered… why was I having so much trouble getting other people to pay me for following my bliss? To recognize me? To have the paparazzi knocking down my door for an insider scoop on my latest cutting-edge painting???? (Can you read the sarcasm? I hope so.) I was totally lost in fantasy.

I was totally locked in the make-believe story that I had to be rich, famous, good-looking and admired in order to be successful. And the best way to do that was to have an impressive career. I didn’t know what that really took, but other people seemed to be doing it, especially in Hollywood and Paris and New York City, so why couldn’t I?

My ego, and perhaps even deeper than that—my inner child—cried for attention. I was scrambling for everyone and everything outside of me to validate something about me.

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Perhaps you’ve had your own experiences with trying figure out the ‘right’ career? Or maybe this story is sounding familiar to you but instead of career, it’s been around relationships? Or maybe with wanting to be a parent? Or it’s got something to do with your health and/or body image? Or your finances?

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Standing Up, Staying Up… And…

Years later, I was introduced to Vedic Astrology. I had minimal prior exposure to it, and rolled it in with other illegitimate “woo-woo” things. Any kind of astrology seemed far-fetched and more like entertainment. If people seriously believed in it, it seemed to me like a heap of generalities that they would foolishly hang their daily lives on, get disappointed, and then try again the next day like salivating addicts.

I also rejected studying any kind of mystical science because I wanted to be accepted by my immediate family members who have their own deep religious beliefs and statutes of what’s right and wrong. If they ever found out that I had any interest in this topic, I thought they’d trust me less. One of my aunts went the New Age route, and was kinda evangelistic about it. She was a real turn-off to my parents, and they spoke about her unkindly (to put it nicely). She was energetically cut off from the family. I didn’t want that same shame for myself.

But I had tried every “acceptable” way to find a job in the real world, and I was miserable. I was getting desperate for some kind of purpose for my daily life. (By the way, becoming a parent wasn’t an option for me. I know that that can be really fulfilling life work/dharma for a lot of people.)

Since the end of high school, I had spent over two decades chasing after an invisible object: a daily job that would give my life meaning and a sense of happiness.

When I least expected it, I got lucky again. A real-life version of a fairy godmother swooped onto the scene and said, “I’m practicing Vedic Astrology! Want me to give you a reading?” I had just met her. My partner had known her for decades, so there was a level of immediate trust there. She was the embodiment of a fairy godmother too: grandmotherly, loving, fun. She was more kapha in nature and loved to smile and giggle. Her hugs were full and her voice was sweet. She was the embodiment of warmth and joy. All she needed was a magic wand!

A couple weeks later when she gave me a Vedic Astrological reading, it wasn’t the what she said that impressed me or her skill, but in how she addressed me.

She addressed me as an incarnated Soul having a human experience. It wasn’t all focused on “me” in my little life, but really about the journey of this Soul on a grander scale, and what she could make out about that so far. I liked that.

Fast forward several months later. Again, the job I had been doing at the time was starting to wane and the writing was on the wall that I would be back at square one again, but this time with four decades of life experience under my belt. I went out alone in Nature and stared out into the infinite complexity and simplicity of the natural world. And then I did something I’d never done before: I prayed to my ancestors for help with my career and my life path. I was 40 years old, dispirited, and totally ready for something real.

Sure enough, in less than a week, I started to get the feeling like I ought to give the study of Vedic Astrology a chance. Not just for myself, but to be of service to other people. Even if my family disapproved, I had to give it a try. (I never knew how much my family’s opinion of me mattered until this point in my life. It’s truly been an eye-opener…and freeing now that I can see how it’s informed a behavioral pattern I’ve carried with me my whole life.)

So I (cautiously) waded into the possibility of becoming a Vedic Astrologer. Madame Luck dealt me another good hand and I randomly—serendipitously—found a teacher online who is grounded and incredibly knowledgable. So once again, I plunged in, but this time with a little more years of wisdom and hard knocks giving me the wherewithal to take my time and test out how viable things might be.

Standing Up, Walking, Stumbling…

I’m now two years into my Vedic Astrology studies. It’s been an intense course schedule and a lot of information. There’s been a lot to digest and integrate. There have been tremendous amounts of inner self-shadow to face and inner bright light to accept within myself through traversing the landscapes within this art and science.

Sometimes, however, the ego likes to creep into my mind’s “vehicle” and take the wheel. (I’m only human, after all.)

One of my dearest friends was recently listening to me go on about what I was seeing in my own astrological chart, and asked me a question about how I’m engaging with astrology. She’s been into the sacred sciences for quite some time now, and noticed I was talking about certain aspects of it strangely, especially when it came to my own life. My words seemed “off.”

She voiced some concern that I might be slipping into giving astrology a lot of power by letting it “explain away” certain areas of my life. She brought up the concept of spiritual bypassing. In fact, this gave me great pause and I had to reflect back on how I had approached my own chart. I began to recognize that

1. my teacher was right in telling us not to look at our own charts because objectivity can get lost, and

2. I was placing too much weight on what my astrological software said about me instead of trusting my own lived experiences.

I realized that I was starting to slip into a very tricky place with astrology, especially when I was examining my own chart. I accidentally began leaning too heavily on wanting my astrological chart to explain myself to myself, and desperately wanting it to “tell me what to do.”

Because I became so afraid of starting a new career again, only to have it crumble in my hands once more, I unconsciously created unexamined emotional doubt of the path I’d chosen, and I wasn’t trusting myself. Self-sabotage became the flavor of the day/week/month again.

I wasn’t leaning into the Divine that had guided and protected me. It became apparent that I needed to, once again, believe that everything I’m living through everyday is revealing what I need to know at the perfect time, with the perfect knowledge for whatever is going on.

I’ve gotta have faith.

Enter the Jungle

My reminder out of this latest experience (and in much gratitude to my friend):

Astrology is a tool. It’s a map we can access if we’re really lost. But it’s not the experience itself. We’re the Traveling Soul that’s actually inching our way through the jungle of Life. We’re getting a surprise whack in the face by a heavy vine swinging from a tree branch. Astrology and other mystical sciences are just there for us to reference with a cartoon picture of a tree, a vine and a sweet smiling monkey.

We’re actually in this jungle of Life, smelling the monkey that’s pointing and laughing at us rubbing our heads from getting smacked by a swinging vine. Oh, and watch out for that mosquito... the interpretations of astrology aren’t always perfect either. Things can get missed, overlooked or misunderstood.

Standing Up Again… Sitting Down.

It’s another lesson that has been reinforced, not only by my astrology teacher and other wise teachers around the globe but by the Grand Teacher of Life Itself, that when I intentionally slow down my thinking and get connected to my breath, the right information comes at the right time. A window opens in a dark stuffy room; the light and fresh air pour in. A growing sense of connection and optimism starts to fill my torso and my limbs, then my head, the base of my spine, and my fingers and toes. I begin to feel rooted to the ground in a nurturing, uplifting way.

This is the Knowing. It certainly doesn’t require my small-mind’s endless babbling, rambling, big fat lies, or storytelling. It doesn’t require the commentary from the mental peanut gallery that thinks it’s “me.”

I’ve taken a break (again) from looking at my own chart now. Yes, I want to know things. Perhaps someday I’ll find an astrologer, who I trust, to give me a more objective viewpoint if I really get stuck.

But here’s the beauty of it: the more I practice being still, receptive, trusting and loving towards myself, the more the things I need to know come and find me.

I’ll type that again. They come and find me.

No more chasing. No more telling myself I’m not enough and going on an endless hunt. The inspiration and hope comes to me at the right place. At the right time.

For so much of my life I was really caught up on the surface level to find my “purpose.” I was on a big chase. And my inner story of lack kept me swept up in the drama of trying to achieve that elusive goal.

But by re-rooting myself on a daily basis in meditation, or by going out in nature, or by making sure I’ve resourced this body enough with high-pranic food, sleep and ample movement, a whole vista has opened up before me in what “purpose” actually means. Its definition is so much broader than I was ever taught or led to believe, or what I started to fatalistically configure in my own mind.

Would you like to know what I’ve been discovering after all of these years of fruitless searching, but then finally letting go and receiving?

…I’m a ballerina!

(Joking! …although I do love to dance wildly…)

But seriously…

My “purpose” is to love myself and everyone as fully as I can. The very act of breathing makes me enough on this planet. To have the “both and” mentality of using both my brilliant mind and my brilliant heart in a daily practice of less-conditional love for everyone is the reason I exist here, right now.

If a career or part-time income source stems out of that purpose, then that’s great. Whether I become a full-time Vedic Astrologer or a janitor, if I’m rooted in Love, then I’m doing my life right.

If for some reason, my ability to be prosperous of my own accord isn’t a part of this life’s karma and I live in poverty for the rest of my life, then that’s somehow beautiful too. I have to trust that. Because at least I’m living my life with a full heart and in contentment.

And that’s the key, isn’t it? Contentment. Not complacency, but deep contentment. Perhaps that’s a topic for another writing in the future.

Where Do You Stand… Or Sit?

Where in your life have you felt like you’ve been chasing after an elusive goal? Have you ever used astrology or tarot, or another kind of sacred art to try to tell you “what to do” with your life? Are you guilty of spiritual bypassing like so many of us?

Or has astrology really been a source of inspiration for you?

How have you been able to come back to center and open your horizon to a broader definition of your life’s purpose?

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Thank you for reading. I’d love to hear your comments if you feel called to share.

Have a blessed day.