An Invaluable Lesson in Releasing the Ego

If something seems bigger than you, and calls you into greater awareness, it may be time to lean into the growth it's offering you

Over the last few days I’ve had stress creep in about becoming a Vedic Astrologer. Learning about Ketu and Rahu have been overwhelming to say the least, and I had a major concern that I had waded into (yet another) profession potential where I had no business being.

This morning I noticed the worry getting the best of my mood, and I was hesitant to bring up my doubts to my love; I didn’t want to come across as being too self-absorbed. But I breached the topic with him, and he quickly became very aware of my urgency and truly troubled distress about it.

He was so present with me as I described what was dawning on me about becoming an Astrologer: that it’s really a huge responsibility, that it’s sacred. I know that I’ll make mistakes and won’t be perfect when I eventually give readings, but that I get to forgive myself whenever that occurs. The main thing is that I felt so weighed down and heavy all of the sudden having fully realized what I’ve been getting myself into now that I’ve reached this point in my studies.

Studying Rahu and Ketu, even in just two lessons out of eight, rocked me. It really exponentialized my entire concept of what I’d slowly been walking into for the last two years.

The analogy I gave to him was: I’ve been walking along a street minding my own business and listening to music on my headphones and just being a normal chick in my street attire. And I wander into a giant church because it looks so beautiful and interesting and archaic. My curiosity is completely piqued and I must go in. I feel drawn in beyond my will.

And so I sit down and take my headphones off, and begin to hear hymns I’ve never heard before and liturgies that make no sense to me. But I’m taking it in like a sponge even though I have no idea what kind of deity is being worshiped or why. I don’t know why the others are wearing funny clothing or what it all represents.

But I go back day after day and keep getting more familiar with the music, chants and attire and rituals. I even put money in the offering plate because I really dig the vibe. And then one day, when a certain sermon is spoken, the “right” words hit me so hard…. “Wait…what?” I think to myself. “Oh my god, now I know where I am! Now I understand how holy and sacred and kapu/taboo/off-limits this place and practice is to the world. This is a womb. This is an oasis. Oh no... Do I belong here??”

I felt the weight. I felt the heaviness of the responsibility to show up in a way that I don’t deem myself worthy of. I was just a tourist. I didn’t know what I was getting myself into. Not really.

But I really felt pulled to go into Vedic Astrology having zero background in any Astrology whatsoever. Yes, I had done some yoga as exercise. But my meditation practice was weak. In order to “fit in” with what I thought people thought of me, I totally disbelieved vehemently in Astrology or any kind of occult matters. I wanted to be seen as a realist so that (I projected) other people would take me seriously and maybe even love me more.

But look where I got myself! It’s too heavy. It’s too much responsibility. I thought I was following the Universe’s wishes by taking up this path, and I’ve certainly benefitted so much from it in the last two years of this exploration. So why the abrupt realization and major doubt?

My love helped me with this simple wisdom, and I am forever grateful to him. He said, “Don’t let your ego feel like it has the responsibility. The responsibility is the Divine’s. Your only responsibility is to be clear for All That Is to work through, and have Nishkam Karma with every single reading you do for people. And really, the greatest responsibility will be on your client and how clear they can be to receive the wisdom given to them from the Divine.”

So if for some reason, in any area of your life, you feel like you’ve just waded into something huge, beautiful and uplifting but bigger than you ever imagined, be mindful of where the ego may be hijacking your growth to keep you “smaller” than you really are. Do whatever sadhana is right for you to maintain clarity within yourself, and then let the Divine flow through you.